@SavageDabs69
@Tommytoughstuff [I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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@Tommytoughstuff 
@handsforkeys The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
@OkieGirl405 Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
@ficklenuts Who wants to be my Valentine?
@joefrog1 If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
@imdaintyaf How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
@slimmy_shady Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
@FBSisnothere For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
@TheThirdEncore I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
@WICKEDTRUTH01 *Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *