Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Going into Monday like
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Hit me in the face with a bird
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.