Me: Not with that attitude.

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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”


The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.


Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?


Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!


For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?


I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.


*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *