Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.