Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
reminder
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice