Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now