Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .