Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time