Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.


What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?


I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.


By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”


My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.


ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.


[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?