Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
You Might Also Like
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
A friend sent me this.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having