*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’d … I’d rather not.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(