Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.


My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.


When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.


I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.


Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy


Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.


Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.


*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes


The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over


Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.