@perlhack

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

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@Travon

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

@careworn

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

@SchmuckOnAHorse

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

@POTerritory

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

@CindyNoPants

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

@Lazor2828

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

@lazerdoov

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

@LoveYoorFate

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

@joelebean

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.