Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Whoa 😂
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out