Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
This raises questions
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.