Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[montage of me giving-up]
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*