POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Don’t touch that.
This probably isn’t good
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.