Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.