Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks