Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My neck, my back, my…
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.