Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
When ur friends with white people
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here