@GoldenSpirals Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
@Eden_Eats Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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@GoldenSpirals 
@FrogAvalanche *inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
@TheCatWhisprer You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
@Swishergirl24 Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
@primawesome What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
@JediGigi *eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
@wendymklassen What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
@urmumsausername Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
@AllyBallyBeal I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!
@FrenulumBreve APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.