@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

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@GoldenSpirals

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

@FrogAvalanche

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@primawesome

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@AllyBallyBeal

I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!

@FrenulumBreve

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.