poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.