poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?