Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish