How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
where the womens at?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes