Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
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A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless