[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
🛁
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.