‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”