Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
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Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK
*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.