popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*