@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

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@TheCatWhisprer

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

@Kingadrock914

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

@LackOfShame

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

@goodgrief_rats

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@glum_and_fun

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@LoveNLunchmeat

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.