Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s