Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.