pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight