Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.