@MikeRevenaugh

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

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@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@TheDrunkStory

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

@notmythirdrodeo

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

@upsidedowntrash

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

@DadandBuried

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

@AnnietheNanny1

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

@MohanadElshieky

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

@PhilipJFried

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.