Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.


All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside


4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.


[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?


My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.


What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?


You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.


Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.