Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely