Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad