Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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🤣could you imagine
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”