<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”