*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
These are my emotional support Pringles.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.