*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
britain’s three elite institutions
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.