popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
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me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
me: do you mind i can鈥檛 go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don鈥檛 know what to tell you
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver鈥檚 seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
One thing they don鈥檛 tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis鈥ut hotter because he鈥檚 folding laundry
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she鈥檚 actually wearing makeup.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?