Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
yeet
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?