Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello


Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.


GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude


The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.


Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead


Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”


*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*


this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*