Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
A great tip. #CakeRex