Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You Might Also Like
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
sigh
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack