[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
How to woo a woman
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”