[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him