Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.