Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.