@ElenaChainHelp1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

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@UnFitz

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

@ThisOneSayz

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@NolaChef504

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

@Darlainky

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

@zachreinert0

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

@visionbored2

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

@Sheila_Mac420

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

@sageboggs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

@JodingersCat

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory