Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.