Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The answer is funnier than the question
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.