Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
this article brought to you by lions
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.