*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.