[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Nice try, NASA
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Brands during Pride
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.