[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet