[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”