“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Omg 🤣
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
a fate I wish upon no one
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go